Three Lives of Me

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(Not Really) Closing Out 2015

Well, it’s a few days into 2016 and I’m still trying to cram all the things into the 2015 box so it can be stored away not to be thought of again. Ok, for a while at least.

I’m excited for this New Year and what’s to come. New outlook. New possibilities. New plans, even.

It seems, though, some things have a way of carrying over, no matter how bad I don’t want them to. I’m needing closure on these issues and they aren’t ones that I’m sure I’ll ever be able to fully move on from.

There’s a few of them for me, but these three right here. They are the ones I’m struggling most with.

Procrastination. Ugh, the struggle is real when it comes to writing. It didn’t start off that way. I was having such a hard time with the media and its devaluation of the lives of Black people. It consumed me. So much so, that I really felt like, “What am I doing? Writing your little blog and getting stories posted on different sites isn’t helping anybody. It’s not saving lives. It’s not preventing violence. Why bother?” Then it turned into I should write something, but not now. Which turned into days, weeks and months obviously. My kids are even asking me when I’m going to write again. And my response is always soon. It’s not that I can’t. As my pastor said in church this past Sunday, “It’s not talent I lack, it’s discipline.” That was like a punch in the stomach. But he was right. It’s time I start getting some discipline. Writing is my one hobby. Not that thing I do with the kids or my husband. It’s mine. And I can’t let myself get in the way of that.

Hiding. Alright, by hiding I mean that fakeness we all do at one point or another. You know when someone says, “How are you doing?” And you feel like crap, but you force a smile and say, “Great!” That. I’m so sick of doing that. I mean, I’m good. I am. I have so many things I’ve been blessed with and am grateful for, but there are times when I am not good. And instead of sharing how I feel, I keep it to myself. Which then snowballs into this mass amount of bitterness, anger and other bad feelings until I explode. Or cry. Usually the latter. It takes way more energy to pretend, rather than just being honest. And that’s what I want. I want to remove that mask and be more vulnerable. Be open and up front. I’m making an effort to have those types of conversations. And I this year so far, I’ve had one major one. It was hard to say how I really felt, but I did it. And that relationship is already better. Not that it was bad to begin with, but we know where we stand with one other. That’s huge. For me. And I think for her, too.

Miscarriage. Mid-summer, I found out I was pregnant. I had to laugh because not only a few weeks before did I tell my husband I thought we were done having any more children. At the same time, I couldn’t but feel like something wasn’t right. When we had our intake appointment, I asked if we could hear the heartbeat and the nurse said it was too early, but at my next appointment they would do it. I didn’t end up making it. I was little over a week away and I miscarried. Having four kids, I never experienced a miscarriage. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the process, but one thing is for sure there was a great deal of heartbreak involved. And still is. My guess is that it will always be. I do want it to hurt less, but honestly with this I don’t ever want to forget that glimmer of life that could have been.

I know, it’s naïve to think that because the year closes out, these issues would, too. Like I could seal them up and throw away the key to the storage locker of years past. I know that’s not possible with things that we deal with in life. I’m fully aware of that. It’s just when you think of the New Year, you think blank slate. Here’s my chance to start over! While, that’s true of some things, it isn’t of things like this.

And that’s ok.

We are all works in progress. And I’m working on these things.

Not only for 2016, but for me.