On the eve of the court date for our adoption, I have to admit I’m both nervous and terrified. In fact, I doubt I’ll get much sleep tonight.
I’m doing my best to try not to let anxiety overwhelm me. But, when situations are out of my control my mind plays out all these various scenarios – the good, the bad, and the absolutely ridiculous repeatedly until my head starts to hurt. I know worrying doesn’t help matters. It’s only draining my energy and driving me crazy, leaving me a tired, hot mess.
Having my husband wanting to adopt my daughter is such a great feeling. I have this wonderful man that has accepted my children as his own. Wanting to legally make one of them his, is going beyond his role of playing daddy. If tomorrow goes the way we’d like, he will be recognized by the State as her father. The commitment he has for all of us fills me with so much joy, I swear some moments I could burst. Yet, at the same time, I can’t help but have this sense of guilt about the circumstances that led to this.
Like most, I have made some choices that I regret. But, this particular choice, I also have a hard time forgiving myself for. That alarm went off in my gut and I ignored it. I knocked down every red flag that was waived in front of me; I gave third, fourth and fifth chances when I should have not even given the first. I’m still not sure how I landed in the place I did, back then. I was better than that, but somehow I wasn’t letting myself be. All I know is that that dark and lonely period of my life is one that brings me a great deal of shame when I think about it. Talking about it is even worse and tomorrow I’ll have to do just that.
I have to remember to not get offended by questions that may come up. I’ll have to stay calm and collected and respectful. My focus remaining on the lessons I’ve learned: to listen to myself and not to accept less than what I deserve. And the bonus being my baby girl, of course. I cannot fathom life without her. She, with that infectious smile, lights up my entire heart. I understand now why my mom always said to me, “You light up my life.” My daughter, like me to my mom, made a horrible event in my life worth going through.
I can’t dwell on anything else, but doing what’s best for her, which is the sole purpose of all of this. While I’m not fond of the emotional rollercoaster involved in the process, it is the best decision. Not for my family, not for my husband, not for me – for her. Confirming the adoption will guarantee she will be provided with the stability, love and care she needs to develop throughout the rest of her childhood.
The path that brought me here, I whole heartedly accept. If we are denied, I’m not sure I can say the same. However, I am going to ask God to strengthen my heart either way. I’m going to remain in prayer and meditate on His word as I’ve been this past week. It’s the only solution that has been effective in extinguishing the negativity.
In the morning, I know I will still be a little panicky. Then after our morning coffee run, I’ll have the jitters as well. But by the time we walk into the court room, the fear of the unknown will be gone and will be replaced with confidence.
The confidence in knowing He brought this family together for a reason and I’m going to stay faithful of the plan He has for us.